Episode 1: Origin Story
This story is for you and the world will try and stop you from hearing it.
Origin story: This is about the day when I was turned on to a dark side of motherhood that no one is talking about. I went from teaching full time to staying at home once I had my first baby.
One dark gloomy thursday in February in 2010. I felt I needed to take a church manual to my neighbor, Chelsea. I felt like I needed to take it right then and there. So I picked up my little 8 month old chubby baby and walked 2 houses down to drop off the manual.
As I got closer I could hear her husband, Neil, screaming “Somebody please help. We need CPR!”
She had a baby that was one month older than mine and I instantly thought “Oh no Luke has choked on peanut butter.” I timidly said can “I help. I know CPR.” As I went down the stairs, to my horror, I saw Chelsea on her back with her arms above her head a gross shade of purple and about a half-inch away from death’s door step.
In highschool, I was trained as a lifeguard and I was a first responder.I knew CPR and basic first aid.
I went to work.
I put my son down on the bed that was in the basement and tried to give her a breath. It didn’t go in. To my horror, I realized that she was choking on a peanut butter sandwich.
As I stuck my finger down her throat and pulled out the peanut butter I realized she had intentionally eaten that and was choking on it to prevent her body from ejecting the pills that she had taken to end her life.
I tried to do the heimlich maneuver on her but was unsuccessful so I proceeded to scrape what was in her throat. As I cleared her throat and was able to get a breath in the paramedics came down the stairs. I backed away and let them do their job.
I went up the stairs to the kitchen and I found it in disarray. I immediately started doing the dishes. Washing sippy cups, plastic plates, a pan of macaroni and cheese.
I turned to her husband and asked him “Was she depressed? Was she taking anything?”
He said “Yeah, she was struggling and there’s been some changes in her medication. I knew it was bad. She’d been asking for help around the house but I didn’t know it was that bad.”
When the paramedics brought her up the stairs and outside I stood next to the stretcher and put my hands on her checks and whispered in ear. “Please come back to us. You can not leave us. These children need you. You are the best mom for them. Please come back to us.”
If you are feeling like today is a day that I can not do one more day. I want you to take a step back and realize that YOU CAN DO TODAY.
You can do one more and break it into a chunk where all you have to do is just today.
Just get through one more day.
Because tomorrow you might feel different and if you don’t feel different there might be something you need to look at to get fixed. There might be something wrong and if there is something off. It’s probably because there is something off at a metabolic level.
In the next episode I talk about when my world tilted. When I felt like something was off. It turned out that on a metabolic level something WAS off. The imbalance that I felt in life was due to a chemical imbalance. It wasn’t something I had chosen or earned. It didn’t happen because I wanted it to. It just happened. Much like how Chelsea was feeling so off and awful that she felt she had to end her life, there was something on a metabolic level that could be fixed,
I know that you can get through one more day. If that requires turning on the TV and a little more screen time for your kids a little less hands on parenting. That’s ok.
Take a step back, take a breather for you and just get through today.
I can do today and you can do today.
I think you’re wonderful and I’m cheering you on!